Dear Blog, 

I was going through my best friend’s blog, just checking up, and she made this post that broke my heart in the most casual way. 

She’s really stressed out about her current boyfriend, and she said “I just wanted someone I can be myself around.” 

And I want to feel heart broken, but I’m not. I feel like she didn’t have me in mind, or at least didn’t think about it. 

Because we’re basically the same person anyways. We influence each other so much. 

I’m still subtly hurt, but not really at the same time. 

I wish I could do something to help though. 

She’s been so stressed, I just want to make her feel better, I want her to be happy. Everything’s out of control though. 

I kind of just want to punch anyone thats in her life in the face. Including myself. Just because most of those people are seriously stressing her out right now. 

I just want her to be happy. 

Love,

Cassidy

Dear Blog,
Can we discuss something really quick.
I hate it when girls who are ten times smaller than me come to me and say they’re out of shape, and but then have the decency to say to my face “You’re not fat, you’re beautiful.”
Shut the fuck.
You’re insulting me.
You’re lying straight up to my face.

I’m not taking that bull shit any more.
I’m so done with pretending I’m ok with myself.
I hate myself.
I hate how I look.
And now I’m crying.
Weight and self esteem issues are such a huge trigger and I didn’t realize that until right now.
My throat hurts from holding in sobs right now.

And my arm is getting itchy.
I need to scratch at it.
I need it to bleed.
It’s itchy.
Love,
Cassidy

Dear blog,
So tomorrow is my grandmas birthday.
As I was picking out my outfit, (I’m going to wear the dress I wore to the funeral), I went by my window to put lay it out, and a butterfly flew by.
Since my grandma loved butterflies, my family kind of considers her one now, now that’s she’s free.
So seeing that when I was so upset was the most comforting thing that could happen. As if she’s letting me know everything is going to be ok.
Love,
Cassidy

Dear blog,
I hope my best friends knows I love her.
Like I genuinely love her. I tell a lot of people I love them, but I would pick her life over mine.
Love,
Cassidy

Dead Blog,
I’ve been scratching at myself a lot lately.
In a bad way. It’s not on purpose.
I genuinely feel like I’m itchy.
But it only happens when I’m stressed or upset.
I don’t know how to stop.
It hurts.
Love,
Cassidy

Dear Blog,
I just wanted to inform you all I’m doing good!

I mean, for now I am.
Friday is my grandmas birthday, and my older sisters.

My sister refuses to say she has a birthday.
So in respect, I’m not going to call her.
I won’t say anything.
I don’t know how I’m going to handle visiting my grandmas grave though.
I think I’m going to be crying all day.
I think I’m going to call my therapist tomorrow so she can give me tips on what to do.
I’m crying right now.
I miss her so much.
I was doing good.
Love,
Cassidy

Dear Blog,
I’m really upset, I don’t know what’s happening.
I just have a headache.
But I don’t know why I’m upset.
Love,
Cassidy

Dear Blog,
Yesterday I walked into my first period with my teacher being rolled out in a wheel chair.
I love my first period teacher. You don’t understand. We’re so close I talk to her all of the time. I love her genuinely so much.
So I panicked and started breathing heavy, but everyone said it was going to be ok, so I calmed down, she was going to be back today.
I came back, we had a sub.
I started panicking more, I was crying, I wanted her to be all better. But I calmed down, because her nephew (who I think is the cutest thing in the world, he’s so funny) was telling people shed be ok.
But apparently she’s still in the hospital, and she was having serious heart palpitations.
Needless to say, I panicked.
Love,
Cassidy

Dear Blog,

I’ve been having a lot of panic attacks recently. They’re pretty unhealthy. 

Especially when it comes to my future. 

I know what I want to do. 

I want to move to San Diego with my best friend and attend college and become successful and happy. 

But can I do it?

The way I’m thinking

is pretty unhealthy.

Love,

Cassidy 

Dear Blog,
I want to kiss someone.
And not because I’m horny, or sexually frustrated or whatever.
I love kisses. I just really want kisses.
And I think I want the ability to have someone to kiss.
I just like affection.
And I want someone to be able to receive it all and not be upset by it.
Sigh.
I want to kiss someone.
Love,
Cassidy